Made deary angry. Sob Sob

Wednesday, September 30, 2009






Till i reach home, getting ready for my call. i heated up. he said is ok, leave it, i can continue to portray him the way i wan. he said this just to please me. my mood still remain. then i flare, how do you expect me to change my mood the very next minute when you said is ok.


damn, he must be thinkin how petty i was. he din follow up with any sms, its been bout 40 mins already. i know what he's thinkin. he was in no wrong and i was petty.


i din resist to change. Right now while bloggin, i know my way wasn't a 100% correct. but can't you understand that initially i put in all these effort for wat? what purpose? why do i do that for? who do i do this for? i just need some time to recover from my loses. that's all!

anyway i come to a conclusion that i'll portray him financially average. that's it.

i feel so sorry and sorrowful that we are in this state right now. damn, what have i done.

deary, please forgive my pettiness. sighzzz and sobzzz


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7:48 PM

Deary went for his main interview

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Met deary for lunch today. He looked so suave in that Fred Perry shirt!! Feel like hugging you so tightly. We ate at Food Junction and i cheekily choosed a window seat which seemingly both of us like. Its his first time there.

After his interview, he called me. Things didn't turn out the way it should be. He decided to reject should they offer him despite my suggestion to take the job up. Guess he's very concern with his studies. No matter what decision you make deary, i'll be behind you k.

He's quite depress, while i can only coax him through the phone. Hope he pulls himself up fast.

Today's meeting was cancelled. I pop by the gym. Realise my months of training went down the drain due to a month's break from my leg injury as well as.. my pox. Not sure when can i be ready for my race on 1st Nov.

Happened to know that Ting Hui was OTing too. Arranged to dine with her after we both are done. Later did I know that she went off 1st.

So now, decide to drop this post and head for home.

Gonna eat pao for dinner tonite ;)

Miss you deary.

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7:51 PM

Day 1: Back to work

Monday, September 28, 2009

First day back to work after a 2 week pox recuperation break.

Feeling: Suffocating... seriously drowning in deadlines

Comparing working from home to goin office, home doesn't feel so suffocating. what is the cause? work still goes on, only the location change. but hmmm...

Met deary for lunch today, he came down after his job interview. was happy to see him, finally can touch him after my pox. while walking, i sadden. He was talking about credit cards and found me wierd that i am able to get one but don't intend to do. what saddens me was that my perception here is that if you love somebody you would like his idea. but he finds me wierd. not being petty here, but why out of all words... weird. Depressed.

towards 5pm, i was still rushing my report. he phoned me. but i didn't ans. coz i wanted to rush off my report, head home for my conference. so mean time i can call him back, after work. amazed, he went online, commed me to return call asap and went offline immediately. with much concerned with the ASAP, i called back despite the rush for my report. and guess wat, it was Fred Perry who called him to tell him that the shirt he reserved has arrive and that he can't wait to head down to ION to collect it. he needed my confirmation asap so that he can decide to leave house to meet me there.

being used to this actually, i calmed down and decide to drop the matter. coz i realise that i have been showing black face which i agree, not being fair to him either. its a small matter, and its his nature. drop it.

i met him with a change in mood. we were happy. can't remember what the conversation was, he called me weird for the second time in day. Great! i admit i like wierd stuff, but that's just my personality and i am cool with it. perhaps my hormones are calm this time of the month. i didn't throw him attitude.

bought his shirt and realise that there is a credit card discount which i own. Sub-card of mum's. i did had the though that if i swipe, she will be aware of my transaction. but i know deary wants the discount. he bought 2 shirts, which i decided to swipe it.

our journey home, discussion was to be frank w her or not.

conclusion: frank.

rushed home for my con call, which by now, has just ended.

time to break the news to her.

hesitation: bro once said, be frank but be vigilent.

anyway, mum just came into the room. ponder for a second or 2 and decided to blurt out.

amazement: she simply nod her head, as if in total agreement. thank my lucky stars. highly suspect due to yesterday's confrontation, she was extremely good to me tonite. she even brewed me a cuppa milk and brought it to my room for me. which, she brought us up from young, cultivating the habit of no food no drink out of kitchen rule.

i really really hope things like this will continue to happen like that. i don't wanna have a 38th parallel between us.

deary has been so concerned with what she's gonna think and say. he kept messaging me throughout my call, showing his guilt and concern and moral support. gonna report to him.

wish him the very best in his second interview tomorrow.

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9:58 PM

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Where do I start? So damn messed up with my thoughts. Alright, yesterday was where it all happened. So happy for deary that the job agency finally called him! So, next thing was to get his proper attire for job interview on Monday. Who, in my shoes would’nt want to go pick a smart interview suit for their dearest?!

Blockage: Damn, she disapproves. Reason being, I can’t expose myself to wind due to pox. With disappointment and hatred, I drag myself to deliver another bad news to deary. Deary sounded cool about it but I guess he was hiding it as he chose not to presurrise me.

I could have just walk out and go. But she started nagging and my head started splitting. Took 2 panadols, decided to numb myself to sleep.

Towards the end of the day, she seems quite happy. Coz I didn’t went out and that she thought her threat worked. Threat was: If you go, don’t acknowledge me,

Throughout the day, deary called me several times, updating me his plans on who he intend to go with to buy his clothes, what to say for his interview, how he should portray and all. In this conversation every thing seems so perfect even though I can’t be there for him.

Whether he faked this or not, he is the best! He brightened up my day.

Today

Surprise surprise. Thought from yesterday, I was barred from going out, no exception for today. But no. my morning was awaken by her somewhat to me, very amusing decision. Let’s go out to eat breakfast. Still amused, I jumped out to the living where everybody was there and confirm with her that I was going too. She confirmed. I rebutted, there’s wind out there. She was speechless for a moment then got back her shield by saying lets eat in then.

I must say, she really has to thank her lucky stars. I got back to my bed, ponder and concluded to myself not to rebel, listen to her. Fine. Got up, told everybody, lets go out to eat.

Fact here is that, thought I was barred from going out due to pox, remember? But now she is asking me to go out to eat.

After breakfast, I rang dad up to seek his opinion. He told many meaningful things that made me cried out lound as if one’s begging for mercy.

Dad said, there is no right or wrong. This is only a small thing that she controlled you, disallowing you to go out. Look ahead, there will be many future disapprovals from her. How are you gonna take it. Till then you gonna cry till you no more tears. The whole situation here is like you’re an egg trying to hit against the brick wall. No matter what, the egg will crack and can’t get through this wall. The wall will still be there perfectly fine. What you need to do now is to show her loads of respect, top up your cashcard, make her like you.

I creied so hard upon his words and felt lost at that spur of the moment, why am I in this situation? They say I brought this upon myself. Did i? I tried mitigating the situation. Didn’t i? I didn’t disrecpect her. Did i?

Noon came, her decision to go out for lunch again. Fine, your wish is my command. I admit there was still abit of resentment in my voice. I consulted her what can I eat here? Even got her to buy for me. Consulted her on what I can drink too. At this juncture I suppose her mood was good as she seems to be the commander in chief, making all decisions on everything. Good for you!
My appetite has never been big and so happen I didn’t finish my bowl of noodles. That’s where she flare. Great, volcano has erupted.
From then on till evening, volcano was boiling… silently. Bro asked her about dinner. It erupted saying “Not eating” bloody hell…. Why she’s angry with the whole world for?1

Then, her favourite time came, our heart to heart, meaningless, disgusting, time consuming and regular chat session came up.

In this round, I started to play the role of a innocent self, conversing in a calm and collected manner. I kinda like today’s role, I may consider using this role for future rounds.

There goes, she weeped as she asked me the same question she asked me in previous rounds, why do I hate her so much? Why am I treating her the way one would treat someone they hate? Why can’t I be frank with her, much more frank than I would be to others? Told me she’s very tired and she would like to give up and needed me to give a final decision whether to treat her as acquaintance.

Boy! My replies were all politically right and coaxing. While speaking I looked at her with disgust and sympathy. My poor child, laying there with a head full of jealousy, wild imaginations, paranoid, helpless and desparetely in need of someone’s love.

Bloody hell! I am so darned surprise that I guess this is the first time I didn’t cry. (that's why I like this approach – but that doen’t mean I like more rounds of it. I’m sick of it. For goodness’ sake.)

Back to reality. Deary just called me. Told me that he bought a top form Fred Perry. 2 more designs that he like but don’t have his size. He sounded so sweet over the phone. I felt so sweet in my heart that he called me. From here, it struck me that I can learn from him to update her like how he updates me.

Fact is, I am trying. I don’t really hate her that much as a matter of fact. She mentioned that my actions say it all. Was she too paranoid or did my actions really show? Why can’t I be frank with her? Her judgement and decision does not sound logical to me. Her responses put me off. She even dared ask me, would you rather be frank with me or let my imaginations run wild. Wtf, why can’t you turn the table around and ask yourself, why aren’t ppl frank with you?

Anyway, dad always say, she won’t change. Only you. You gotto change, for your future sake.

Not trying to be pessimistic, I don’t see an end to this war. Of coz I’m worried for my future. Gotto figure out how to make peace.

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9:41 PM

Thursday, September 24, 2009

i still recall the reason why i wanna start blogging again was because i met somebody i am in love with and that I wanted to journal our moments together. There again, its been 5 months, nothing has been done.

Today marks the 11th day of my chicken poz, which on the first day made me very depress due to lum sum of factors all happening at once. – which there again, I wanted to blog.

So this is the day I finally realize my dream, not because I was free but in mid day, I was depress ‘painting’ my pox mark. Just wondering when will it go away! From here, I got depress which led to the urge of bloggin. Am I easily depressed?

I just hope my pox marks go away fast, I don’t want to be scarred for life.

I guess setting up this blog actually takes my depression away. The sense of accomplishment made me contented.

Not forgetting of course, my dearest who is always there for me. And right now I am rushing this post out because he wants me to rest my body, sleep early.

Yes dear, I know you care for me. I love you always muack!

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10:08 PM

Pretty tiring, fumbling half a day to get my blog set up. i know i suck but its been ages since i'm back to this.

anyway, i'm more or less ready to roll. i just need some fine tuning, like adding a comments link below, which i have no idea how. and also to touch up on the side bar. that will next time, when i'm free...

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7:19 PM